I've never written a letter to a magazine regarding an article I've read there. That is, until this morning.
I got home on Wednesday and found my super duper, DOUBLE issue of Glamour. Now, I love this magazine. I big, pink puffy heart it. It's always got moving stories of triumph and hope. And then I read the article called "Infertility in a baby-crazed world" or something like that. It was a writer who was going through phases I've already gone through. The "whyisitsomepeople whoshouldn'thavebabies canhavethemsoeasilyandICAN'T?!" Now, I'm not meaning to sound bitchy with that, it's my honest feelings...or at least it used to be. I decided a few years ago, after we'd been "trying" for a while (which truly makes me feel weird because it's like inviting your whole family into your sex life when they ask the "how is it going?") that I wasn't going to stress. In fact, I had come to a conclusion that I really didn't want to have children because what is the impact more and more people living on this earth having on this earth?!? But then I realized that if it happens, who am I to say no? If it doesn't, then my body was not designed to be able to hold life inside.
I've gotten to a good place, lately, about feeling good where we are with our life. We have a great family, just the five of us. We love Simon, Chloe and Josie so much. And more, we love each other and the time we have doing things we enjoy. I am not longing for a baby anymore. Now, mom's before you freak out and think you'll never see a grandbaby from us, relax. We aren't not trying, we aren't TRYING trying. We're simply enjoying our life. I WILL NOT take drugs that would result in me having what I have decided to call, a litter.
Then came the article. Quite honestly, it made me slightly mad, annoyed, frustrated. I don't want to go back to that place of "whynotme?!?" because I'd gotten so far away from that person I'd become. So I did what any sane person would do, I wrote Glamour a letter (well, short note). I told them of people out there who have moved on from those feelings of yearning and focused more on the here and now, rather than the thought of being inadequate because our bodies just ain't doin' it "right." Why not focus on those people too? We are here, we're real. We're probably less insane than some people who get all consumed by the baby bug that they lose site of what their life really means.
It amuses me that people who are against abortion will say "you can't play god" when it comes to ending a pregnancy. I mean, isn't that exactly what people are doing who are forcing their bodies to become pregnant?
So, to all my friends who have children (or who have been scared to tell me they are pregnant in the past because they didn't want to upset me)...I LOVE YOU ALL. I am proud of the children you have brought into this world. I will squish them all with kisses, loves and hugs each and every time I see them. Tell me the joys of the next addition to the family. Let me live it through you. For I am not sad by the fact that I am almost 34 years old and still call my animals my kids. I am thrilled to live a life I love.
14 comments:
I don't know how I could love you anymore after reading this beautiful posting. It is a little difficult to hold back the tears.
You are a wonderful person and fatastic daughter. Your mother and I are truly blessed because you chose to be a part of our family.
It is too sad that others cannot have your view of the world. I am proud to proclaim you are my daughter.
Give Kevin and the petkids hugs from me.
Love ya,
Dad
It's funny... a group of us were just talking about these very same things. We all agreed that it seems like those who genuinely want kids are the ones who have the hardest time getting them. It's so backwards and tragic.
I really enjoyed your second to last paragraph. I read it, hand holding head, slouched toward the computer, and a moderate pitched "Huh, yeah" Came out of my mouth. One of my roommates asked what I was huh'ing over and I read it to her. She also huh'ed. Neither one of us had thought of it quite like that before.
I hurt that you haven't had a baby yet. (I bet the wee one would even posess your wonderful knitting abilities that I so envy.)
You are amazing Shannon, remember that for me.
I've never in my life heard someone who is pro-life use the stance of "you can't play God;" that's the most ridiculous defense because God has given humans the ability to create and kill life, in not just this situation. God has given us the medical advances to help women who wouldn't normally be able to have children carry children and have children and be happy. Unfortunately, people also use medical advances for killing babies before they're born. It's not playing God at all, God gave us freedom of choice.
It's all a choice - and if women want to have babies and can use IVF or other forms of aid to get pregnant that is their decision, and if woman want to use drugs to make themselves more fertile and have, as you say, "a litter," that is also their choice.
It's wonderful that you're over the "baby bug" and that you feel that your life is great and you don't need anything else, but not everyone can feel that way. Some woman feel their only purpose in life is to procreate and that their life will not be as good as it could be without it. Not everyone can hold their cat or dog and say, "This is just as good for me as a baby." Just take a browse around all the infertile weblogs and try to tell those women that they're "playing God" by using IVF or fertility drugs and that if they're not supposed to have children, they shouldn't try all means available to them. And referring to these women as "insane" is just down right rude and judgmental of you.
aren't opinions great? and isn't it amazing we all can have different ones.
i have been that person, consumed by the thought of "BABY BABY BABY" and i've done much thinking and soul searching. maybe it was unfair to use the term "insane" but honestly, i think that some women do get a bit too intense about the procreation thing.
for me, it's about what my body is able to do. period.
and for the record, i HAVE heard the term "playing god" used in reference to abortion. i also do stand by my thoughts on people are "playing god" by forcing their bodies into something that maybe wasn't something that would have happened naturally.
should people be allowed to push and get pregnant with fertility drugs? it's their choice.
am i am allowed to write what i want here? it's my blog.
Shannon, I'm glad you've found a place in your mind where you feel comfortable about babies. I myself am reaching a point in my life where I have to let go of my need to control and let happenstance take me to many places. I also do not let myself be defined by a motherhood I may not be able to attain.
Bekah, Shannon is right. "Playing God" is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot in the pro-life world. A couple of examples are easy to find with Google:
Playing God by intervening in human life transforms us into murderers. We do not have the capacity to choose life or death for a defenseless fetus.
"When we decide to take someone life in our own hands, we are playing God, and that is dangerous."
Whether or not it is playing God is not for someone like me to say. Still, the morality of medical technology is an issue I struggle with very much. Some people take a pill every day to deal with a variety of reasons; Zoloft for depression, Progestrone for contraception, Lipitor for cholesterol...
But, as the medical technology advances further, what happens one can take a pill to be smarter? To be friendlier? To be less argumentative? I myself hesitate to take an anti-depressant, for I wonder what effect it might have on my own personality.
These are hard lines to draw, for our own personal morality comes into play, and with situations like these it's best to be civil and tolerant.
Bekah-
Now this may not be my place at all but I was kind of hurt by what you said to Shannon. Obviously, this is a very personal topic to Shan. Obviously, she's done a lot of thinking over said topic.
How dare you point a finger at her and tell her that her opinions are wrong.
People use blogs to vent. People who leave comments like that put people back into the real world where they aren't allowed to openly vent anymore.
Don't just be a professed creed.
(Shannon, I apologize and feel free to delete this. I was just upset by certain words.)
Life is ALL choice and consequences.
Our choices, presumably, lead us to the learning of our life's lessons and completing our life's mission.
Perhaps choosing the life and body that can or cannot have babies is what is supposed to happen.
Just some thoughts.
Judge not lest ye be judged.
don't throw stones if you live in a glass house.
Um, I wasn't saying Shannon was wrong at all, and if it was read that way it was obviously misinterpreted. I said "I have never heard..." meaning I, personally, haven't. I never said anything regarding, "No one has ever said that!" because that would be ridiculous. Also, I guess I should point out that when I said, "that's the most ridiculous defense because God has given humans the ability to create and kill life" I was referring to those people who would use that as a pro-life stance.
But, it's alright, it's obvious what I wrote in response to Shannon's blog was not welcome here, thanks for pointing that out, Shari, but excuse me, I thought comments were here for a reason - to respond. At least that's what they're normally used for.
And Jack, I wasn't judging at all, I just pointed out that I thought it was rude that Shannon seemed to judge these women and that was all I said about it. I didn't say she was wrong for doing it.
Shannon - I never said, or implied, that you shouldn't write what you want. There's no reason to jump on the defensive train and get upset by what I wrote, when there was nothing offensive there in the first place.
Just a question, though, if you consider women taking fertility drugs or using IVF as "playing God" then what do you think of any medical advances - surgeries or cancer treatments or the like? Without these things, our bodies would do what it normally does, but with the help of medical advances, we're able to prolong life, to make life better, to heal and to save. Is that not a gift? Is that not the same thing as using the gift of medicine to help create a life?
But again, I apparently I'm not welcome to share an opinion without being attacked, so I won't share it anymore.
I think Bekah's comments are well spoken and show a lot of intelligence on her part. She is obviously very knowledgable with this topic and has a very good "argument" in response to the original post.
Personally, I've said this before to other people, and I'll say it again. Overly sensative people shouldn't have Blogs. If you're going to put your life on the internet for the entire world to see, then you have to be mature enough to handle any and all comments that may be posted on your site.
It certainly isn't right for everyone to jump on one person for expressing their opinion. But, I suspect you will all do the same to me.
I love that opinions are written here. I have no problems with that. What I do find offensive is being called rude by people when I am not being rude, but simply stating my own personal opinion on a subject that hits me closer to home than anyone besides myself and my husband knows or understands.
I am not overly senstive OKRecords. I invite people to share their opinions. Personally, it makes me feel rather touched that my friends have felt that I have an opinion that is worth "fighting" for and that I am justified in feeling what I do.
Bekah, my response was simply to the comment of you calling me rude and judgemental. That is what I was so upset about, when I was simply stating my point of view. I offer no apologies for the words I wrote in the post as I stand by them. I really do think SOME women do go off the deep end when they become so consumed by the need to have a baby and they forget to live for themselves. I understand that there are women out there who feel they are defined by being a mother, but I kind of think that is sad too.
It's almost like when you lose yourself in a relationship. Being true to yourself is key and I suppose some people will argue that being a mother is their true selves. I just choose to not be defined that way. I am a woman. If I get to become a mother, that is wonderful, but it won't be who I am.
As for medical advances when it comes to cancers, etc...I obviously am for that, but I don't view that as "playing god" either. I think that we humans are almost doing it to ourselves. Not intentionally, but by trying to prevent things (like the polio vaccine...could it be linked to people who had it so many years ago and Non-hodgkins Lymphoma?) we are hurting ourselves in the long run.
Things that are supposed to be good for us and help us avoid illness in the future, how do we know it really is going to?
I don't think our bodies are predestined to develop cancer. I think that environment plays a huge part (the environment that we have polluted and made the way it is). Unexplained infertility is more common than we would expect (and perhaps the environment plays into that too...).
I live in a glass house so I try to not throw stones.
The judging reminder was for us all.
It seems to be important to be reminded of it from time to time. I know I can use such a reminder.
Shannon, you have a beautiful heart. I am sure that the children that come into your life a well blessed, whether they are yours or not.
I have a cousin who has four kids of her own, and is now being a surrogat for the third time. To each her own.
Being a Mom is life consuming, and defining. I am now at a point where I will need to redifine motherhood, and who I am in this world. It will be interesting.
Fur kids rule! You can leave them alone for hours on end and no one will call social services. They love you unconditionally and will never be embarrassed of you when you drop them off at doggy day care. They don't demand designer clothes, and you never have to face the question of how you will pay for higher education.
They do offer joy, pride, and giggles galore.
Yep. Fur kids. Happy mother of 2!
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