Friday, March 23, 2007

on being me

I struggle with wanting to write about a certain topic. It's a deeply personal one to me, but I don't know how much I am willing to write knowing there really are people reading these words. From what friends have said, writing things they are having to deal with that are hard or personal in a blog is often cathartic for them and helps them through the tough times.

So here I will try...

All my life I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to feel the joys and sickness and swollen ankles and everything that goes along with being pregnant. It's something that both Kev and I want in our lives, a little being that is part of us. We've been married now for almost 7 years. We've discussed having kids for many of those years and even began the trying about 5 1/2 years ago. We've had tests and we've just not been able to conceive. Now, I know that speaking of "trying" is almost akin to speaking of us and our sex life, but for family and friends who ask "how's it going?" that question is like you asking how much sex we are having...

Yeah, enough of that talk. A few months ago I was sure I was finally pregnant. I was nauseated. I was exhausted. I craved certain foods. Breasts felt more tender than ever before. And then, one Saturday, I was working downtown. The next day was to be the day I would take the test because I'd officially be late. My boss was in the store so I ran next door to use the restroom (yes, we have no bathroom in the store downtown and trust me, it's okay!). I came back heartsick. Tears streaming down my face. How was I going to face the rest of my day? I was not pregnant.

I've had the hardest time figuring out my body and its cycle. I did the basal body temp test, taking my temp every morning prior to setting foot on the ground for three months. What that showed us was I have a crazy temp that is all over the place and dips and rises all willy nilly. I've paid attention to ...

*anyone not wanting to read about bodily fluid, stop reading now*









...mucus. It didn't seem to be any different all month long. No egg white consistency at a different time other than always. Finally a few months ago (prior to the last hopes raised time) I noticed that it would start out thick, get egg white like and then go back to slightly thicker before going away during and right after my period. So I watched and paid attention and really made every attempt to do the things necessary to conceive during those times (yes, that includes Kev).

But to no avail. My body is simply not accepting what should be natural to it.

I see these young teen girls having children and it's hard for me to not become depressed. I know that family members hope we decide to adopt. I can't say we will, I can't say we won't. I know that certain things are not for us, like fertility drugs or invetro. We are of the same belief that if we can't get pregnant without human interaction (other than the interaction necessary to naturally conceive) then maybe we were not supposed to get pregnant.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and not think about anything.

12 comments:

PlazaJen said...

mmm, all I can say is :warm hugs: hon. I'm sorry life's been this way for you, and I always ache for those who want a baby & it hasn't happened yet. (Me, not so much on the whole "responsibility" platform. Too selfish? Who knows.) I know there have to be a bunch of bloggers out there in a similar way; seek them if you think they can give you comfort because they're in the same space....

shannon said...

Thank you, Jen. It really makes me feel loved and not so alone. I might just seek out some of those bloggers...

Adrianne said...

About a year before I got pregnant ith each of mine, my body would do something weird. Sometimes it would be low on iron, and once I thought I was pregnant, had all the signs a symptoms of it, even thought I had miscarried once. So maybe this is the same thing, getting you ready for becoming pregnant. My cycles were always off, I don't think I released eggs at the same point in my cycle either.

When the time is right, you will be a wonderful Mom, and Kev will be a wonderful Dad. Have fun on trying to become parents.

Love you Sis....

shannon said...

Thanks sis. I love you too.

kerri said...

Shannon, you are amazing for being so brave as to put your thoughts and feelings about this down. Thank you for trusting us enough to share.

I'm with Jen in the "not so much" on the kids thing, so it's really difficult for me to understand what you're going through--I can only hope that things work out and that somehow you find peace with your needs and desires.
love,
K

shannon said...

Thanks Kerri. I try to take each day as it comes. Deciding that this blog was started for me to use as a diary/venting place as well as a way to let my family and friends know what is going on with us has been big for me.

I appreciate the support.

Tanya said...

thanks for being brave and sharing. thinking of you every day.

shannon said...

thanks, tanya. hugs to you.

Jack K. said...

Shannon, thank you for showing the courage to share your feelings at this most trying time. I want to apologize if I have ever put any pressure on you at any time.

My heart aches for you and Kevin because I know how much this means to you both.

It is devestating to me to know you are in such distress. I only wish there was something I could to to ease your mind and heart.

I love you and am proud of you and your sisters.

Dad.

shannon said...

Thank you, Dad. I've never felt stress by the family, other than the questions of how things are going. And even those have subsided.

I'm really trying to be strong about it all, but it gets tough every so often and I have to let myself have the feelings...

I love you too!!!

bronxbt said...

shanny,
all i can say is, all my friends who have tried and tried, have mentally and physically exhausted their minds and spirits.

once they stopped trying so hard, (no visuals or puns intended) they have allll become parents.

soooo, relax, continue to enjoy your time with Kev, and your bodies will make it happen in time....
you'd be amazed at what your mind can do to unintentionally sabatoge your body. chemical levels, acidity, and more allll make for a volatile place.

think good thoughts, happy thoughts, warm sweatery-fuzzie thoughts, and someday, you'll be knitting for a wee one.

love you
B & a slowly recovering (kinda) mr puddins

shannon said...

You know B, we've done the stressing over it, and we have completely gone the other direction as well. Just recently the subconcious has taken over again. I'm trying to relax about it but it is possibly the hardest thing to do.

Thanks though, friend. Give Mr. P a smoosh from me.