on being me

I struggle with wanting to write about a certain topic. It's a deeply personal one to me, but I don't know how much I am willing to write knowing there really are people reading these words. From what friends have said, writing things they are having to deal with that are hard or personal in a blog is often cathartic for them and helps them through the tough times.

So here I will try...

All my life I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to feel the joys and sickness and swollen ankles and everything that goes along with being pregnant. It's something that both Kev and I want in our lives, a little being that is part of us. We've been married now for almost 7 years. We've discussed having kids for many of those years and even began the trying about 5 1/2 years ago. We've had tests and we've just not been able to conceive. Now, I know that speaking of "trying" is almost akin to speaking of us and our sex life, but for family and friends who ask "how's it going?" that question is like you asking how much sex we are having...

Yeah, enough of that talk. A few months ago I was sure I was finally pregnant. I was nauseated. I was exhausted. I craved certain foods. Breasts felt more tender than ever before. And then, one Saturday, I was working downtown. The next day was to be the day I would take the test because I'd officially be late. My boss was in the store so I ran next door to use the restroom (yes, we have no bathroom in the store downtown and trust me, it's okay!). I came back heartsick. Tears streaming down my face. How was I going to face the rest of my day? I was not pregnant.

I've had the hardest time figuring out my body and its cycle. I did the basal body temp test, taking my temp every morning prior to setting foot on the ground for three months. What that showed us was I have a crazy temp that is all over the place and dips and rises all willy nilly. I've paid attention to ...

*anyone not wanting to read about bodily fluid, stop reading now*









...mucus. It didn't seem to be any different all month long. No egg white consistency at a different time other than always. Finally a few months ago (prior to the last hopes raised time) I noticed that it would start out thick, get egg white like and then go back to slightly thicker before going away during and right after my period. So I watched and paid attention and really made every attempt to do the things necessary to conceive during those times (yes, that includes Kev).

But to no avail. My body is simply not accepting what should be natural to it.

I see these young teen girls having children and it's hard for me to not become depressed. I know that family members hope we decide to adopt. I can't say we will, I can't say we won't. I know that certain things are not for us, like fertility drugs or invetro. We are of the same belief that if we can't get pregnant without human interaction (other than the interaction necessary to naturally conceive) then maybe we were not supposed to get pregnant.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and not think about anything.