sleep eludes me

My sister and I got in last night after a long, long day of travel. We both left the West Coast around 9:00 am PST and got here close to 6:00 pm EST. When we got in we were welcomed by an exuberant, gigantic dog, Fennwick. He's since calmed, which makes us happy. It's funny what a game of fetch/chase followed by a walk on a short leash will do. He's funny.

We all met with the Pastor this morning. I liked her instantly. It seems as though she has a good idea as to what will bring us the most comfort. It's been helpful, sharing stories of our memories.

We will go by the funeral home this afternoon and okay everything, making sure she looks nice. I did find out she will be wearing the purple dress she wore to my wedding. This actually brings me some comfort as well. The funny thing is, I learned she'd be wearing purple after I'd picked out my outfit...black pants with a purple shantung silk wrap top. I will also be wearing purple shoes. I think it would make her smile.

I did get a bit of a nap in today, but I need more sleep. Tonight Julianne and I will go to our other cousins house and relax with his family as well.

Now Mom, Dad and my cousin Gail are at the attorney's office finishing up some paperwork regarding the will. Julianne and I stayed home and are working on some online bar listings for which she is writing reviews. I'm doing research for her while she does some as well.

And my sinuses are hating PA. I have picked up some Zicam and now the running of the nose has commenced. Yeah, I'm a joy to be around right now.

I'll be heading to LA on Sunday with Julianne and then home on Monday from there. You would not believe the trouble I had trying to find a flight home. With Spring Break coming to an end, students are trying to milk their time for everything they can. That means no flights home for me on Sunday. I get to spend the evening with Julianne, David and my favorite boy dog, Oscar and then a full day with the Ox (Oscar) while they go to work. I head home Monday evening. Not sure if I will update more on this trip, but I suppose only time will tell.

Thank you to those of you who have sent me emails or comments. Friends make this a bit easier. So does the knowledge that Grandma is no longer worrying where Pappy is and if he's with that slut Esther. :)

Side note: when I titled the first post about her death "rest" I'd forgotten that when my cousins were growing up next door to her and being needed to help out with the chores, they would talk about wanting to rest. She would always say, "You can rest when you're dead."

rest

I just got word that my Grandma finally passed away. She'd been battling dementia for so many years that I can honestly say there is a sense of relief as well as immense sadness. She was a woman who had a hard life. She worked on the farm with my Grandfather, taking care of their two daughters (who as they got older worked on the farm as well), and making sure the household ran smoothly. Her home was always immaculate.

Many years ago (I think three now) we got a call from the hospital in PA that we needed to get out there because the doctors did not expect her to make it through that weekend. Um, yeah, they didn't know my Grandma. She was still kicking it, but just not as high.

It's an odd feeling, knowing she's finally at peace. For the last years she'd forgotten who we were and wondered where Pappy was. He'd not been by to visit. Grandpa passed away 22 years ago. She couldn't remember and when we tried to tell her she relived losing him all over again. It has been hard, reading the words from my cousin (who lives close to where Grandma lived) as well as reports from my mom. She'd have her good days and her bad. Today her body finally decided she needed the rest and let her go.

I love you Grandma, more than you might have ever known.

we even made two sales

Yesterday was quite a day. We didn't get the store open until about 11:30. Since we didn't have hours posted yet though, we didn't feel bad. Now we have our hours posted and will be trying to figure out exactly what they will end up being. I'm thinking 10-6 M-Sat and 11-5 Sun, but my boss thinks 11-7 during the week is better. He's not been around that late though and has no idea that the people who are out walking around are heading out for food and drink, not clogs.



Most people who popped in yesterday were ecstatic by us being there. Welcoming us to the neighborhood. Making us feel good. Our first pair of clogs were sold to a friend of Barbara Roberts. She was once the Governor of Oregon. Not too bad. :) She was just as excited as we were about being the first sale.



One of my downtown regulars lives in the area and she popped in as well. We had a laugh and chatted a bit. She commented on the windows and how fitting they were for the area. It used to be known for the amount of antique stores. Since then more businesses have come in and the number of antique shops have started to dwindle. Not a bad thing, but it's change. Sometimes people don't like change. But Stephanie thought people would appreciate that we really thought about where we were and know we really want to be there. I swelled with pride. The photo isn't the best, but of the four I took, this one gives you the idea. I've got a total of ten old windows strung up and each are framing one or two shoes or clogs. This was a labor of love. It kept me up at night worrying it wouldn't work. The day those windows got hung up, I almost cried. Ahmed looked at me and shook his head saying, "This is playing for you, isn't it? You're like a little kid right now. Playing and having fun." I'm glad he realizes though that what is playing for me, draws customers in. Next week, I tackle the windows downtown. I got an ad done for Friday this morning (so much for a day off) that I'd planned on doing Friday morning. So now I get to go into the new shop and create. I will be making paper flowers and gluing them to beautiful ribbon. I'll hang the word "SPRING" from the same ribbon. It's going to be pretty.

Okay, I'm going to go waky waky Mr. C and get this day off really started!!!

tomorrow tomorrow

~I don't really love tomorrow as it is the first day our new store will officially be open for business. There are still plenty of things I have to get in and do early in the am before customers start coming in. Also, I have artsy window displays to complete for one of the other stores.

~The rains have returned. No biggie. We're used to the tease of spring and then being hit again.

~Josie has got to be part cat. She plays with cat toys but will shun her own. I don't know.

~I just ate cheese that smells like...you don't want to know. The good thing is it doesn't taste as it smells. It's creamy and luscious.

~Kev should be home soon so we can go grab dinner and hopefully run out to Target. We still haven't used a gift card we got for Xmas. We need hangers. Granted we don't need $50 worth of hangers, but we could easily spend that money!!!

~Hiking will hopefully commence this Wednesday. Last week we had originally planned to go, but then Kev had the trip that reared its head and I ended up working while he was gone. So this week, this is the week it starts! Rain or shine.

~I am tired. No, make that exhausted. I could close my eyes, lay my head down, and fall asleep right this very minute. Although if I did that I'd end up with some weird imprint on my face from my sleeves or something (Kev tells me I'm very "denty"). I don't fancy going do dinner with crease marks on my face.

~I took a boat load of photos today for a client/friend. I'm getting a jewelry catalog together so she has images of items she's made. I will do the same with her visual art soon.

~I will post as more comes to mind. Right now, a 10 minute cat nap sounds perfect.

a sad sad day indeed

Well, our beloved Jayhawks have let us down once more. They failed to show up to play a game. I don't think I've watched a more badly played game. Ah well, one more year to add to the pile of "not this one."

Kev and our friend Kiley watched the game together. I listened to the first half while at work with one of the newbies, pricing all the shoes at the new store. Jesse came up with the idea of listening to it while we worked. We got out of there at halftime. His cheers of "Go Kansas!" made me smile as I called back, "ROCK CHALK BABY!"

I was disappointed that Kiley was cheering for UCLA. I think more out of just wanting to make the atmosphere more sporting. It felt forced though. Like he really didn't care one way or the other who won the game.

I slipped back to bed at 8:30. I was tired. It's been a long few weeks getting the store ready and it's almost there. Grand opening is next weekend. We've got almost everything taken care of, but there are a few things that when I wake at 1:30 stick on my mind and make it hard to go back to sleep. Then I realize that the pressure in my bladder is really what is causing me to stay awake and once I relieve it, I am sleeping once more. No thoughts of making lists, finishing projects, cleaning the space...

It's back to life as I know it. And that is okay. I live a good life. I am surrounded by friends who have become like family and family who have become amazing friends. I have three furry kids who mean the world to me, even though all three are snuggled up in my side of the bed while I am up early after feeding them. I have a job that makes me happy and gives me the chance to be creative again. As much as I would love a little someone to share this life with, I am happy I get to live it at all. So thank you to friends and family who have either commented or emailed me. Support is an amazing thing. Even from many miles away!!! I loves yous guys!

on being me

I struggle with wanting to write about a certain topic. It's a deeply personal one to me, but I don't know how much I am willing to write knowing there really are people reading these words. From what friends have said, writing things they are having to deal with that are hard or personal in a blog is often cathartic for them and helps them through the tough times.

So here I will try...

All my life I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to feel the joys and sickness and swollen ankles and everything that goes along with being pregnant. It's something that both Kev and I want in our lives, a little being that is part of us. We've been married now for almost 7 years. We've discussed having kids for many of those years and even began the trying about 5 1/2 years ago. We've had tests and we've just not been able to conceive. Now, I know that speaking of "trying" is almost akin to speaking of us and our sex life, but for family and friends who ask "how's it going?" that question is like you asking how much sex we are having...

Yeah, enough of that talk. A few months ago I was sure I was finally pregnant. I was nauseated. I was exhausted. I craved certain foods. Breasts felt more tender than ever before. And then, one Saturday, I was working downtown. The next day was to be the day I would take the test because I'd officially be late. My boss was in the store so I ran next door to use the restroom (yes, we have no bathroom in the store downtown and trust me, it's okay!). I came back heartsick. Tears streaming down my face. How was I going to face the rest of my day? I was not pregnant.

I've had the hardest time figuring out my body and its cycle. I did the basal body temp test, taking my temp every morning prior to setting foot on the ground for three months. What that showed us was I have a crazy temp that is all over the place and dips and rises all willy nilly. I've paid attention to ...

*anyone not wanting to read about bodily fluid, stop reading now*









...mucus. It didn't seem to be any different all month long. No egg white consistency at a different time other than always. Finally a few months ago (prior to the last hopes raised time) I noticed that it would start out thick, get egg white like and then go back to slightly thicker before going away during and right after my period. So I watched and paid attention and really made every attempt to do the things necessary to conceive during those times (yes, that includes Kev).

But to no avail. My body is simply not accepting what should be natural to it.

I see these young teen girls having children and it's hard for me to not become depressed. I know that family members hope we decide to adopt. I can't say we will, I can't say we won't. I know that certain things are not for us, like fertility drugs or invetro. We are of the same belief that if we can't get pregnant without human interaction (other than the interaction necessary to naturally conceive) then maybe we were not supposed to get pregnant.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and not think about anything.

not quite

My plans and hopes last night for knit night was to get the sweater all seamed up in time to wear it to the airport to get Kev. It didn't quite happen that way. I got up to the last side and sleeve and time ran out. I was on time to get Kev though and that is what matters!


However, since I am taking it slow this morning (I am heading into work at some point, but not crazy early like the past two mornings). I actually slept last night too! You see, I got probably a total of 8 hours of sleep over the three nights I was here alone. I don't sleep well when he's gone.

Anyway, I digress...


I am smitten with this sweater. The seams are a bit goofy around the shoulders, but I am thinking when I block it again it will flatten out more.


It is the softest thing! I knew it would be. The funny thing, today is going to be the warmest day this week. Tomorrow it is supposed to be a bit cooler with rain, so I guess I'll save it until tomorrow.



Chloe is already making moves to sit on me (I snapped a picture, but it cut most of her off...she sat for a minute and then couldn't get comfortable with the darn computer in her way so she bolted). I have a feeling that THIS is the sweater that makes her a snuggly kitty!!

Before I had even finished writing that sentence, she was back. LOL

not as fun

Well, I just watched KU make it into the next round, barely. However, Kev's in the airport in AZ on his way home (he got to watch it while waiting to board) and the animals, they get freaked out by Mama's screaming at the television. My hands itch from clapping. My adrenaline is now coursing through my veins. And, I have knit night tonight!

It should be interesting how tight whatever I end up working on gets. Don't get me wrong, I'm jazzed about the advancing. However, it was way too close a game for my comfort!!! I dislike these types of close games. I like the back and forth, but when it comes to the last few minutes I like my team to have a bigger advantage.

I am hoping to get to watch the next few games with Kev (see how positive I am that KU is going all! the! way!). He's had to work or was on his way home the first three. We'll see.

I will tell you this though, it's not as fun for me to watch games without Kev and others.

oh baby i'm so tired

Kev got off okay last night. I went over to my friend Amanda's house after and ate Indian food. Now, up until this point I had felt as though I didn't care for Indian food. I suppose it is curry that I'm not a fan of. What we ate last night was yum-my! I couldn't tell you exactly the names but there were chickpeas in some kind of sauce. Lentils (my fave). A spinach and cheese concoction. And the nan (sp) which is a flat bread. One was plain the other with crazy garlic. All served with rice.

Anyway, it was a wonderful night with her and her roommate. We laughed a lot. I am glad they allowed their cranky days to melt away.

Sadly I did not sleep well. I think I just don't like sleeping when he's not home. Josie started barking at some point.

Now I'm sitting still. A novelty these days. My mind isn't still though, which is annoying I must admit. It seems as though the schedules for all the stores are nagging me. Charles and I are trying to get everything set up for just the next couple of weeks. Then we can focus on the "set" schedule. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I am going to go find something to knit on to give me a break from thinking...

oops

The funny part is there isn't anything exciting that kept me from posting this past, almost, week. Just work. Watching KU basketball when I can. Work some more. Shop a smidge. Did I mention work?

The new location we are opening is going to be fab! Window displays are almost done, just waiting for shoes to arrive so I can pick which styles are going to go on the pedestals. Most of our shoes should be here this week!!! Once we get everything loaded in, checked in, and put away, we can start loading the shoe racks with clogs. The way our stores are set up is pretty neat. The walls have these giant racks. They hold the clogs so they face you. If you want to try something on, simply find it in your size section and try it! Very cool indeed.

On the sweater front, it is all knitted up. I simply am waiting for the sleeves to dry (they are being blocked right now) and then I can seam it up. Perfect timing for this amazing weather we have been having lately! Ugh. I may be the only Portlander hoping it gets a wee bit chilly again in the future. :) Knit night is Thursday and I'm now at a loss as what to bring. Perhaps I'll take the sweater to seam up, but also take some dish clothes I started last night. I've been meaning to get some made for our dear friends for quite some time. I've had the perfect shade of purple for a while now! I love that their kitchen is purple!!

Kev's getting ready to go hang with his Dad and step Mom this week. I'll have the house to myself (which means it will stay relatively neat and clean). I'll miss him, and wish I could have gone, but I know he'll have a grand time with them. I'm hoping later this summer we can go to Texas or something...

Okay, going to go finish getting ready for work. I know, boring post, but then again...so is my life. :) Sometimes, it's okay to be bored.

better than sleeping pills

On Sunday we headed out to our friends house to get some squishin' in on their baby, Henry. Oh, we also watched KU basketball. Henry was a bit fussier than we've ever seen him, but it didn't make me want to squish any less. His Mom is always ready for me to hold him and as soon as I walk in there normally is a baby thrust into my arms.

After the game was over (with KU winning in overtime) we all sat around and chatted. I had finally gotten Henry to sleep (it seems as though standing in the bathroom with the fan blowing is key at times) and decided to sit down. He is a warm little baby. Warm and heavy. Those two things in combination normally mean sleepy time for me. Usually it's a cat that is doing the warm and heavy lounge on me. This time, a sleepy baby who would whimper a bit here and there and make me smile.

So I give you, nap time with Henry...

I am glad that Mom took the picture. It was a sweet moment that I just love.

I seriously can't get enough of this baby!

i'm a gatherer

This morning at 8:00 Josie and I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Amy. I was informed at the first appointment, two weeks ago, that they couldn't get her to go peep and could I bring a specimen in with me. Um yeah, I suppose.

I grabbed a piece of plasticware I don't mind losing and follow her out into the dark, rainy morning. I realize she's already going as I dive under her tooshy. She looks as me as if I'm the most horrible person in the whole world. How DARE I interrupt this private moment!! Lucky for me, she didn't move or stop or get me.

I took her in, she was so excited to get in the car and GO! until we GOT! Then she acted like a giant baby. She wanted to sit in my lap. She lost almost a pound, but at 74 lbs, she still is no lap dog. Dr. Amy was happy with how she's responding to the meds. Her skin is clearing up. She is thinking it is an allergy instead of something internal. If everything clears up until next year at this time, then we'll medicate for the late winter/early spring each year. If it comes back quickly, we'll look into changing her food.

I drove her home, jumped in the shower and was out the door in time to get to work ON TIME! Kev didn't even have to get up to take me in, as we thought he might.

last saturday with ella

Well today is the last Saturday I will work at the store downtown, which is the one I've called mine for 5 and a half years. It's bittersweet for me to not be working downtown, other than covering for people when they are ill. Then again, it's been sad only working here two days a week.

This morning was my last Saturday morning with Ella. Tears came to our eyes when we bid each other farewell. We did swap numbers and are planning on having lunch out sometime. She reached out for my hand and then leaned in for a kiss on my cheek. I told her she'd given me something I'd been missing in my life. She told me she had come to feel of me like a Granddaughter. Tears came quickly.

I am glad I took the time to get to know Ella. She's an amazing woman with wisdom that she is willing to share. And I'm willing to listen.

ready for sunday

This week has been exhausting, to say the least. I've spent the past two mornings at the Deep Hole getting things to construct the window display at our new location. It's really coming together. Today I had a ton of MDF cut to size so I can make pedestals. The guy who cut it all was very sweet. Supposedly they are only allowed to make 7 cuts per customer for free and then charge. Ronnie didn't charge me. :)

I was hoping I was getting to use a real! live! nail gun. You know, with the compressor, etc. Yeah, not happening. I will be using a regular hammer. At least I am getting to make choices when it comes to layout of the new store.

Okay, going to go sit and stare at the television intermittently with the computer.

shame spiral

I hope my dear friend over at Female CS Grad Student does not take offense (who really is a dear friend in real life so I know she won't be upset and if you are, tell me sweets!). Dog knows I've offended before by "responding" to a post someone wrote (someone who at the time I thought of as a friend).

How many of you have things you've done (or not done) in your past that make you want to curl up into the fetal position and rock? I'm sure many of you. I have done it myself. I think to myself, "WHY?" Why do I allow these feelings of embarrassment, regret, of just feeling ick about things that happen so long ago, in my life now?

So I stopped. I could regret things until the day I decide I'm done on this earth, but you know what? It doesn't change the fact that I made the choices that allowed those things to happen. So, instead of living life in the past (not saying my friend does, but there are things she remembers that bring back those feelings of embarrassment/regret/why why why) I decided a while ago to allow myself to be thankful for all those "wrong" things I did oh so long ago (and oh so near ago). Those things, they helped me become the woman I am today.

I happen to like that woman. She's smart, funny, loving. She's got a great sense of self. She's kind to others. She still does stupid things. And that is what I love. She's human. Humans are not perfect. Nobody is.

Take a long look at your life. Your life NOW, as you know it. Are you happy with the person you have become? If so, fantastic! Thank that person you were while you were growing up for helping you along the way. If not, what can you do to change it?

Shame spirals are not 100% great, but they aren't 100% evil either. They are simply another tool, helping us learn how to live.

blah blah and a little more blah

I am nearing the end of the knitting of my very first sweater. Something has taken over me and made me not feel like knitting. I am beginning to think that my subconscious does not want me to finish because I'll never have another first sweater. I suppose I will have a first sweater knit in the round (all non knitters just smile and nod, knowing that is something different than what I am doing now). I still have to seam everything up, which people tell me is a pain.

Or it could simply be now that it's near 60 outside I don't feel like sitting with lovely baby alpaca in my lap? Yeah, doubt that too.

I am going to make myself knit tonight. Actually, the thought of sitting at home and just knitting sounds lovely right about now. I'm covering the store downtown for the woman who normally works Monday. She's not feeling well (I swear I didn't come into contact with anyone while sick!!!).

Okay, this is a thrilling post...bah.

better?

Well, I am feeling almost 100% again. We'll call it 85% at this time.

During this illness I've lost 3 lbs (although not in the healthy diet and exercise way so they are sure to come back and that is fine), I've gotten two rows done on the second sleeve (I'd hoped to use this being sick and not being able to move to my advantage, but the whole not being able to move and sit up thing really got in the way), I've realized fruit punch flavored Gatorade is not my favorite anymore (really I don't think any of them are my favorite, but it used to be the least offensive but since Kev bought the largest bottle of it and it's almost all I've had to drink the past few days...), and I now know that washing my hair and promptly sleeping on it is not good (when hair is longer you can get away with it a bit easier, when short you just look like Don King when you get your ass up finally).

Okay, my sister in law is on the phone and she's in town so we are heading out to eat. Wow! I get to leave the confines of the house! I've not left this place since Wednesday!!!! WOO HOOO!!!

mia

The flu is an evil thing. It takes down the strongest of people, leaving them weak and spent. Nothing other than sleeping can happen. No knitting, no blogging...